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Advice for young men I think I fancy other men! Fancying other men is a totally normal and natural feeling for some young men. This can be a difficult feeling to admit to because young people are often given the message that liking someone of the same sex is wrong. Some men question their sexual orientation at an early age. Others may not explore their sexual feelings for other men until they are much older. You may feel that they are totally gay or you may have sexual feelings for both men and women and identify as bi-sexual. You may just feel a bit confused and unsure of your sexual orientation. However you identify - gay, bi-sexual or just unsure - is ok as long as you are happy with it. Coming out Some people may 'come out' and tell people that they are gay or bi at an early age, while others may wait until they are much older. Don't let other people put pressure on you to come out - it is something you need to do at your own pace and when you feel ready to. Please see our pages on coming out for more information. The thought of sex with another man is scary! The thought of having sex can be scary and confusing for young men. You may not have been given any information about it when growing up. SRE lessons at school rarely talk about sexual relationships between men and so you may have lots of questions. Hopefully these pages will be able to answer some of them. Also there are some really important things you need to know that will help you to have fun whilst keeping yourself safe. Feeling pressured When discovering the gay scene, young men may feel pressurised to have sex straight away. Gay magazines are full of sex, with photos of men with perfect bodies who seem to be doing it all the time! These are stereotypes, and can make young (and older) gay/bi/trans men feel unconfident in themselves and about their bodies. Gay/bi/trans men come in all shapes and sizes and are all very different. Some enjoy lots of different sexual partners, while others prefer to have sex as part of an ongoing relationship. I'm just not ready... IF YOU DONT FEEL READY FOR A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP YET THATS OK! Don't let all the hype in the gay press and on the scene force you into starting sexual activity when you don't feel ready too. Many young men will prefer kissing and cuddling to having sex, and will only go on to have sex when they feel ready to. Yes I'm ready...! Other young men may be eager to get started! Great...have some fun, but make sure you are in control! Find out how to look after yourself and keep yourself as safe as possible. You may want to take things slowly so you can experiment and find out what feels right and the most fun for you. Different guys will enjoy different sexual activities. There is no right or wrong way, but there is often a safer way! If you do feel a bit unconfident, remember there are probably lots of guys who will feel the same as you. In your own time… Take sex at your own pace - there's no rush! You are in control, and if you don't want to do something - you don't have to. Everybody has a right to say no, and it is against the law to force someone to have sex. Ups and downs Sex can be great fun, but it can have its downsides too. Infections can be passed on through various types of sexual activity. These infections are known as STI's ('Sexually Transmitted Infections'). A major way that men can catch an STI is by having unprotected anal sex. 'Unprotected anal sex' means that a man inserts his penis into the anus of another man, without wearing a condom. 1 in 8 gay men who go to pubs and clubs in Brighton are HIV positive, so it is really important you understand how you can protect yourself from STI's and HIV. The good news is if you take care, you can greatly reduce the risk of catching and passing on many of these infections. By wearing a condom on your penis, or getting your partner to wear one, you will greatly reduce the risk of catching, or passing on, an STI (in particular HIV), because the condom acts as a barrier during anal intercourse. Condoms can break, so you need to know how to use them properly. Vaccinations are also available to protect you from Hepatitis A and B. You will find information about STI's, Using Condoms, Safer Sex and HIV further on in these pages, just look for the headings. Body changes In boys, puberty starts later than girls - after the age of 10 or 11, but can be anytime between 10 and 18, usually around 13 or 14. Your voice 'breaks' and becomes deeper. Hair grows in various places on the body - including the face, under the arms, on the legs, chest and around the base of the penis. The body starts to sweat more - and the sweat is smellier so both boys and girls need to wash more. Spots and blackheads may grow on their face, neck, chest and back. You get taller and more muscular and your shoulders widen. Your genitals (penis and testicles) get bigger. Body changes usually carry on into your late teens or early twenties. These are some of the more obvious changes. But there are others, emotional as well as physical. Changes during puberty vary amongst boys, for some young men they may happen slowly and gradually and for others, changes may be more sudden. The Penis The penis has two main parts, a head (or glans) and a shaft. The head of the penis - particularly its rim - is much more sensitive than the shaft. The penis gets thicker and longer during puberty. About half of men are circumcised - the flap of skin round the end of the penis (foreskin) is cut away, usually for religious reasons, when they are a baby. When you get an erection, the foreskin stretches. The head of the penis is then completely exposed. If the penis is not circumcised, it's very important to keep it clean under the foreskin. If it is not kept clean every day, a yellow-white creamy substance called smegma builds up. This is normal but perhaps a little unpleasant. A man should be able to pull the foreskin back to expose the head of the penis. A tight foreskin can make erections painful, if there seems to be a problem, talk to your doctor. Normally a man's penis is soft and hangs down. But when he gets sexually excited (and often even when he doesn't) he gets an erection. A penis is used for two jobs, peeing and sex. When the penis is erect he can't pee easily because a muscle closes off the bladder. The shape of an erect penis varies. It usually curves upwards slightly, and may point to one side. Erections (hardons, boners, stiffies) occur in males of all ages, including babies and old men. How do erections happen? Is it bone? Is it muscle? Does the penis fill with semen? No, it fills with blood. There are no muscles in the penis, that's why it can't be moved very much. The penis is a kind of sponge that fills with blood when a man is sexually excited (but not necessarily). They can be unreliable. Erections can come and go without warning. They can happen at a moment's notice, sometimes in embarrassing circumstances. And they can vanish just as easily. Alcohol can cause an erection to droop as can fear of being laughed at, of coming too soon, or of causing pregnancy. Waking up with an erection ('morning glory') is very common. There isn't much evidence to say exactly why they happen, it is likely that it's simply the leftovers from the last dream you had. Erections during sleep are quite common, this might happen up to five or six times a night and no one really knows why. It doesn't necessarily mean you are dreaming about sex. Waking up with a stiffy might make you want to masturbate but strangely enough, often the first erection of the day isn't a very sensual one. Usually if you ignore it it'll soon go limp and you can carry on with your day. Size Many young men think that their penis is smaller than anyone else's. This is unlikely. Adult penis sizes do vary, but not by as much as you might think. Adult penis size is usually about 6cm to 10cm long when soft, and about 12cm to 19cm long when hard. The thickness of a man's erect penis is usually about 3 to 4cm across. Most 12 year olds, before sexual development, have a penis that is 3cm to 5cm long when soft and usually less than 8cm long when hard. Despite best efforts, (like physical exercise or stretching it) there is not a lot that can be done to make a penis larger or smaller (without surgery). Boys often can get anxious that size really matters, it's good to reassure them that size really doesn't matter. Most prospective partners look for personality over willy size! As a rough rule, the larger a penis is when soft (flaccid), the less it grows when hard. If it is small when soft, it will probably grow more when hard. Penises that are short when flaccid but more average when erect are sometimes called growers, where those with greater flaccid lengths that increase little when erect are known as showers. The penis and balls can shrink in reaction to cold temperatures or nervousness, referred to by the slang term "shrinkage", due to action by the cremaster muscle. The same issue affects cyclist and exercise bike users, with prolonged pressure on the perineum (the area between the balls and the anus) from the saddle, and the straining of the exercise causing the penis and balls to contract involuntarily which is sometimes referred to as "gym balls" or "saddle balls". An incorrect saddle may ultimately cause erectile dysfunction. Balls Men have two balls (testicles, testes, bollocks, nuts, nads) hanging in a bag (scrotum) outside the body, just behind the penis. The balls produce sperm that join with a woman's egg to make a baby. The balls are connected to the penis by a long thin tube. Both semen and pee from the bladder pass down a tube through the penis. This tube is called the urethra. The semen is then stored at the base of the penis until the next ejaculation. One ball (usually the left) often hangs a little lower than the other. This is so they don't bash into each other when running. They should be about the same size and weight. Scrotum Balls hang in a soft bag - the Scrotum. The scrotum hangs outside the body because sperm need to be kept cooler than the internal body temperature of 37ºC. Sperm are damaged or killed by heat. The scrotum is usually darker in colour than the rest of the skin and is hairy. When it's cold, the scrotum puckers up and becomes very wrinkled. When it's warm, the balls hang loose, and the surface is smooth. Genital awareness Spots, bumps and moles are common on the scrotum and penis, and don't usually mean anything. A plastic protector, or 'box' is advisable when playing sport where a blow, boot, or ball could damage the testicles. Cancer of the balls (Testicular cancer) mostly affects young men, between the ages of 15 and 35. Almost 100% of all cancers of the testicles can be cured if detected early enough- that's why young men (and men of all ages) should examine themselves every month. Warning signs include: a dull ache in the balls, sensitive small hard painless lump areas, one ball growing larger than the other, one ball growing heavier than the other and blood coming from the penis. Checking your balls is easy! You should look for changes in size or signs of any lumps or bumps. Examine each ball in turn, using both hands, gently roll the ball between your thumb and index finger, you will find a hard sausage-shaped ridge on top which is normal (the epididymis, where sperm are stored). If you find other lumps or are not sure then you should seek further advice and examination by a GP and any necessary tests or scans can be arranged. Most men and boys rub themselves to get an erection and to have an orgasm. Masturbation (wanking, jerking off) can start as young as 5 or 6 though it can't lead to ejaculation until sexual development has taken place. One of the most common worries is not so much about the act of masturbation but how often it's 'allowed' or 'healthy' to do it. The truth is there's no medical reason why masturbating four times a day will do any harm. Several times a day is not unusual, nor is less often. Most young men will at some point experience a wet dream; where they wake to find they have 'come' in their bed. It may be embarrassing to mess the sheets, but it's completely normal and should not be anything to worry about. Ejaculation Most young men ejaculate (come, have an orgasm) for the first time between the ages of 10 and 18 - usually at the age of 13 or 14. Sexual excitement causes muscles at the base of the penis to contract hard and semen to spurt out. During a man's orgasm, about 3 to 15 contractions occur. Each lasts about a second. The first 3 or so are usually the most intense. Sometime ejaculation may pump semen quite a distance. At other times, it just dribbles out. Semen may be thick and creamy in colour, or thin and watery. Semen (spunk) is a milky liquid in which the sperm swim. Sperm are needed to fertilise an egg in the woman to make a baby. It only takes one sperm to fertilise an egg. Each ball produces about 2000 sperm per second (200 million sperm every day). When a man comes, he squirts out on average a teaspoonful of semen containing 300 million sperm. How often a man ejaculates varies, some men can ejaculate several times a day, others less often. Common concerns: Premature ejaculation, coming too quickly, or the fear of coming too quickly, has got to rank up high on the all-male 'Worry Top Ten'. The concept of premature ejaculation or coming too quickly suggests that there is a right time and a wrong time to come, which isn't strictly true. Some men decide that the right time to come is after or at the same time as their partner comes. The reasoning behind this is the idea that a 'good lover' can hold back his ejaculation until his lover has enjoyed sex fully and had their own orgasm. There is no right or wrong time to come. Some men come in a minute, others can last fifty minutes. This doesn't mean the man who lasts the longest is the better lover. Sex isn't just about thrusting and pumping for hours on end. Is anal sex is the main sexual activity between men? No, some men enjoy anal sex while others prefer to do different things. In fact there are lots sexual activities that gay/bisexual men enjoy together. If you look in our A to Z of sex, many of them are explained. They include kissing, cuddling, touching, masturbation, body rubbing, oral sex and anal sex. The first few times may not be what you imagined, and you may even feel a bit disappointed, but with more experience sex usually gets better, especially when you understand more about what turns you on, and what other people like too. Relationships Having a relationship with another man can be very satisfying but it is not always easy. Both men may have to work hard at developing a trusting relationship, and it can be confusing because sex can mean different things to each person. Some guys will want a 'monogamous' relationship. This means that they will expect their boyfriend to be completely faithful to them. Others may want to have an 'open' relationship where there is an option to have sex with other people. Usually this type of relationship has rules built into it that help to keep both partners as physically and emotionally safe as possible (i.e. 'we will always practice safer sex when we are with other people'). 'Trust' works both ways. It can be helpful to talk about things and be clear about what you want, how you're feeling, and what you expect from your boyfriend. Sometimes people make assumptions which causes problems. For instance assuming that your boyfriend is happy to be faithful, but discovering he's been having sex with other men. Unfortunately there are times when people are dishonest, and when this happens somebody usually gets hurt. They may also have been put at risk of catching STI's and HIV, particularly if they have been having anal sex without using condoms. Because of this it is advisable to keep using condoms in a relationship. Some people have many relationships before they find what they want, and others find that settling down is not for them. The first date…? Some men will have sex on the first date if they like each other….others will prefer to get to know the person before having sex. It's up to you - you are in control of your body, and the choice of whether to have sex or not is yours. Going on the Scene Going to gay pubs may be part of your first experience of the gay scene. (Remember that the legal age for alcohol consumption is 18). If you like someone you see it's ok to flirt and let him know you fancy him. Somebody may flirt with you - and if you like him (and would like to get to know him better) make eye contact and smile back. You may get some unwanted attention too, and it's ok to show that you are not interested. In this case avoid eye contact - or if they don't get the message you may have to tell them. It's totally ok to say 'no' to anything you don't want, and just because you have shown an interest in someone it does not mean you have to go on to have sex with them. You may just want to swap numbers - don't let anyone bully or persuade you into going home with them if you're not feeling comfortable. If you do choose to go home with someone, always tell a friend where you are going and who with. What do I want from sex? Before you go out, think about what you want - if you do want to have sex with someone, try and decide what you will, and will not do. What kind of safer sex do you want? It's a good idea to carry condoms and lube even if you are not intending to have penetrative sex, so that you will feel prepared when you do. Again if you go home with someone, you don't need to feel obliged to do anything, even if you have been sending them 'green light' signals. It's your body - and whatever the reason - (you may have just gone off them) - it's totally ok to say 'no'. When you have decided about what sexual activity feels safe enough for you - have fun! And don't be afraid to tell your partner about what you like and what turns you on. Older Men Most older men will be looking for relationships or sex with someone their own age. However you may find yourself getting attention from an older or more experienced man. Many older men will be friendly and safe to be around. However there are a small number of older guys who will try to manipulate younger men, mainly for sex. Some young men can find themselves in a relationship with an older man only to find them controlling or bullying (of course this can also happen with someone the same age!). They may find themselves feeling too unconfident to leave, or financially dependent on their older partner. Some young men may not realise, but this sort of relationship is abusive because it is unequal. See below for information about help around abusive relationships. Abusive relationships All relationships should make us feel happy and safe - if you are in a relationship and you feel frightened or threatened it may be a good idea to think about leaving. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, or are worried about the behaviour of someone towards you, visit the safe in the city website. This has information about getting help if you are a victim of an LGBT hate crime or sexual abuse.
There are also local victim support helplines:
There is also a national organisation for LGBT people experiencing domestic violence:
You could also find a safe adult to talk to (either a teacher, youthworker, connexions worker, friend or family member), and they may be able to support you in getting help. What is the 'Age of Consent'? From January 2001 the age of consent became equal for gay men, lesbians and heterosexuals. The age of consent for all is 16 in England, Wales and Scotland. It means that young people who are 16 or older can agree to have sex with someone else if they choose to. It is against the law for someone to have sex with another person who is under 16. This law protects young people under 16 from being sexually abused by older people. For further information please see our other sexual health pages including: |
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